Humanity At Its Finest

It's been a long time, for all my followers out there. That's okay. You guys are awesome to stick around and hopefully, one day, this might actually be successful. LOLZ! But anyway, I've been feeling a strong need to start blogging again. My brain has been an overall scary place lately and as much as I don't like it, this is me and the only things that have been of any use to me is to talk about it and keep moving forward. Forward is the only way to go. Whether I have setbacks, amazing strides, or stay the same - it's always forward. I've made a change to the description of this blog because there has been many changes in my life since my last post and it was deemed necessary.

So, about these changes. There have been too many of them to post this late at night/early in the morning, so they will be centered around me directly, which is where this blog is going to go from here on out anyways. My life, my mental health. Selfish or not, I really don't give a fuck. So anyways, R is finally out of the military. I say finally because I wanted it for so long, but it seems to now be backfiring. But that will be another post. We got the FUCK OUT of Texas and the shithole called Fort Hood. We've been living in northeastern Massachusetts, where my heart has always told me to go, since September. I stupidly thought that as soon as we found a place and got back into the real world, a switch would turn on in my brain and I'd magically be "normal" again. Normal. Bipolar Disorder is my normal now. There is no magic switch. I was genuinely happy for about 2 or 3 weeks here. Back in school, amazing apartment, in the Northeast, job hunting, and so many amazing things. Then everything just turned to suck. At one point, I actually tried to kill myself by ODing on Klonopin, Tramadol, and alcohol. I don't remember any of this, which will be talked about more later. My brain is just one big mess that R and I have been working deeply on for the past 2 weeks, and working on our relationship as well, which does tie together considering my Bipolar Disorder and Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia is a major stressor in our marriage. My moods have changed so many times, it's difficult to count. But for now, I'll move onto the present. Today, the past week, and the coming future.

I'm going to try to make this quick because it's almost 5am, I need to be up at 7am, and I need to try to give my husband a blowjob since he's made me cum like 4 times in the past 24 hours and he's been waiting for me to finish with this. I think I've been having a mixed episode which is scaring me a bit. I know R will take care of me and make sure nothing bad happens, but at the same time, I'm still scared of myself. I need to do more research since it could be more rapid cycling rather than mixed, but that doesn't make it any better. I'll have a few days of mania, a few days of depression, sometimes switching between the two multiple times a day, with apathy and emptiness filling in the gaps. We've made huge strides in understanding my brain recently and I think will be over all do wonders for my panic, but my brain might also be on overload. But I want to know MORE. I want to dig deeper into this huge world of disturbed and illogical thought and poke at it. POKE POKE POKE! The great thing is that I actually have a sex drive again. Except after times of mental stress such as writing this fucking blog and now I'm upset, R is pushed a side due to my mania, unintentional fighting, and no sleep. It's going to a a fun day filled with all kinds of shit I need to get done on no sleep for the 4th or 5th time in the past 2 weeks or so. I'll push through and get it done, since that's my new thing unless I really don't feel right at all.

But back to my mania. Can't stop now since I need to be awake and going in an hour and half and if I slow down now, I may have trouble getting out of my head space and into the world. The world. The human race. The things that make me want to stay in my head and never leave. It's better than the scum that surrounds my bubble.

Life Happened

Well, as you can obviously tell, life got in the way and I have once again neglected my poor blog. Right now, I just want to do a quick update, and once I get settled down for the night and more able to focus, I'll actually post something worth while. Hope the few of you that read this are doing well!

So, R and I are doing well. His medical discharge from the Army is finally over! He's just waiting to get the paperwork, bring his gear back, and out process! On my end, it still doesn't feel real yet, but it is all so exciting and stressful at the same time. We'll be moving back to Massachusetts (still not sure where yet) at the beginning of September, and starting a new journey! It feels amazing to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

We have a new roommate, TFB is what he'll be called on my blog. He's pretty awesome and has been a great friend for a few years, so he's good to have around, lol. There are a few issues, but nothing that can't be worked out easily. He'll be coming to MA with us as well.

I still have Bipolar Disorder, Panic Disorder, and Agoraphobia. I've been through medication hell for the past 6 or 7 months. Tried so many, and all have failed me. The only med I am taking right now is Ativan, but that's a long story that I may save for another day. I've actually just started a manic episode within the past week. It has not been all fun, but I'm trying to channel it into something positive instead of having it control me. I think the stress from the upcoming life changes and stress about this fucking area and state might have triggered it. I no longer see my pdoc (last appointment was in July and it did not go well other than getting my Ativan refilled) and the next available session with my therapist isn't until after we move, so I'm kind of on my own now. I will create a whole other post about this subject as well.

I went to Massachusetts for a month to spend time with family and friends for the month of May. There were some great times, there were times of clarity and peace, and there were times that I wanted to tell some people exactly how I feel and take the next plane out of there. I learned so much and did so much. I will also create a separate post about this since it's a long story.

Well, that's my update for now. I'll be back in a few hours to get into detail about life right now, or maybe step back and tell you my story about my month back in Adams. We'll see :)

Weird wake up call...

It's been a strange fucking morning. One of those completely out of the blue, throw you off, and feel like you have been reawaken in a drainage ditch covered in booze and urine kind of mornings. Maybe not that bad, or strange, but it still has me thrown off.

I remember early this morning while trying to get R's ass out of bed my best friend D, whom I haven't seen or nearly heard from since New Years, call R at like 7 am. That made him get out of bed pretty quick, and I ended up passing back out. I ended up getting out of bed around 1030, smoked a cigarette in the bedroom to try to wake up before attempting to walk down the stairs, as usual. I started down the stairs, and see Danielle there! For a moment I was so fucking happy! She came here! My best friend loves me! We shared a hug, and then that super happy feeling fled when I looked into her eyes. She asked me how she looked. I wanted to lie, but it came out as "You look... Eh... Okay." Which I guess was still a lie. Her eyes looked dead. We smoked a cigarette upstairs as I asked questions to try to catch up quickly since she had to head out soon after. I couldn't get much out of her. It's like she was trying to come up with only good things to say and avoiding anything bad.

I don't know what I'm trying to get at here. I want to help her so much. I miss my friend. She used to be everything good when the world sucked. But it looks like the world chewed her up and threw her out with the trash. She says she needs faith, and in most instances, I usually say fuck faith. But she does. She needs something to hold on to and to lift her up and keep her going in this fucked up world. I've been wanting to get back into energy work again, and think I might ask her to join me. It always gave me that extra hope and strength, and I know I could really use it as well.

::Sigh:: I just want her to be happy. And unfortunately, I have to go take care of myself. Because as much as I would like to put others first, since it's in my nature, I'm no good to anyone if I let myself and my own mental health slide. I just need to shake off this shitty feeling and try to have somewhat of a routine day.

I Said "No, I'm Rock And Roll"

Kimya Dawson's "The Beer" speaks so much to my heart. It reminds me so much of myself and my old crew. Well, they're still my crew, but the only ones of them here with me are R and Cev, and we've lost a few to this wretched world. At least they're here with me in spirit. (Love and miss you every day my brothers, Josh and Steve).

So it was a really weird weekend. I'll get more into detail in a few, but just an overview in case I forget a few things throughout writing this. And while R is randomly being a complete dickhole to me when he was JUST being super sweet and nice all fucking night. Whatever. Fuck him. But Saturday was a huge manic storm which was then majorly brought down by a bunch of bullshit that through me into a psycho depressive, sometimes manic breakdown throughout the night Saturday and all of Sunday. Today was so much better, except right now I guess. But I must get a snack before I continue.

So I started taking my Neurontin on Saturday, which I really didn't want to, but it was prescribed so I figured I'd give it a try. The first thing that happened was that it made me super manic, yet kind of relaxed. I was a sex crazed maniac! R and I were literally in the bedroom pretty much having sex all day. Didn't eat or anything. Between having sex, I couldn't stop talking or writing. And just SEX SEX SEX! By my second dose, I came down and Ry started talking about my last full manic episode (from around January to around June 2011). During that time, I had an affair with this asshole that was supposed to be our friend. I've had so much guilt from this although all those months are so fuzzy due to the mania and binge drinking. I lost most of my friendships here, and almost lost my marriage. Of course I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for everything I did. Everyone says its not my fault, since it wasn't me, and that others should have been my friends a knew when something was wrong with me instead of letting me have this affair. Honestly, I just want to forget whatever happened and never look back, but for some reason that night, R couldn't take "I don't want to know what happened and just want to move on" for an answer and kept obsessing over it. It through me into a breakdown. It may not be the "normal" way to move on, but not knowing is the route I've chosen for the past 6 months, and that's what I'm fucking sticking to. If he wants to know, he can. Just leave me out of it. I cried until I fell asleep at about 5 or 6 am.

Sunday came, and took the Neurontin again. My breakdown was still in full force. All I could do was cry. I slept most of the day. I woke up to eat and try to function at one point. That's when I went emotionally numb. I felt so trapped and scared. I didn't feel like me. I didn't feel like anyone. That can't fucking happen. Neurontin is officially off my list of meds to take. No fucking way in hell am I putting myself through that again. I don't care if a medication stops some kind of Bipolar fuck up or curbs my anxiety. As soon as I feel numb and not myself, I'm done with it. I went to bed early and told myself that tomorrow was going to be another day.

And it sure was! Today was so much better, other than feeling sick and puking most of the day. I feel somewhat like myself again. Being on just the Risperdal and Ativan seem to be doing the "right" thing at the moment. Of course, I'd rather not be on meds at all other than for the anxiety, but I also don't want the potential for another affair or something stupid that might get me, or someone else seriously hurt. For now, I'm going to continue working on forgiving myself for my literal fuck ups and continue to learn how to function in the real world again. It would be nice to make some friends again. Its just so hard to learn to trust again, especially with guy friends. I really miss guy friends that don't take advantage of me when I'm obviously sick. Because that's just fucked up.

I think I'm done for the night. Need to start getting ready for bed and try to get onto a regular sleep scheduele. And dream about having control and my old self back....

I wish I knew how to do photos on here

It was an extremely rough night and morning wallowing in my own self pity and feeling bad about myself not being a "normal" person, or whatever you would call it. So after sleeping 12 hours, waking up still in a panic and crying my brains out, R really helped me get through it. We researched Bipolar Disorder and researched and looked at how it pertains to me and how I can be helped better. And, hehe, he's been doing yoga with me, ::chuckles some more:: But he's back and I love him. I just wish I could be more patient with myself and learn to yell out, I'M BIPOLAR! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU!? Nothing huh? Just a normal nothing like everyone else! I'm FUCKING special!

One day, I hope I can say that and mean it. Until then, yoga with R in the bedroom (my safe place) will have to do.

PS. R just stuck a Snickers bar in my pants. He sure knows how to make me happy =D

Been a long time folks!

As I finished putting IKEA boxes together, listening to some Faith No More, and munched on mandarin oranges, I figured I would stop neglecting my poor little blog and bitch and moan, and laugh hysterically at the fact that we have no money and I therefore have no cigarettes and and going crazy.

BUT my psychiatrist gave me a new official diagnosis! ::dances:: BP UOS and Panic Disorder, so I'm hoping I can get rid of the PTSD bullshit. I'm still not sure what the "unotherwise specified" part of the bipolar diagnosis is, but whatever. She's the professional. So I got new meds that help quite a bit... Except on days like today when R is being an asshat. Needs more Ativan....

And our fucking roommate is moving out in march while we're down volunteering at SXSW. Can.not.wait.!! I miss my time. I hate having some much stress all day because he's constantly here not doing anything and just following me everywhere.

And now I have to go look around the house for shit to pawn because we have zero monies, still away til pay day, and of course R HAD to ADD and buy a new pair of shoes. Maybe I'll just pawn his fucking shoes. Totally really calls for more meds.

I know I say I'll be back later to finishes my thoughts and shit, and hopefully I can tonight. I really want to make this blog site awesome if I can figure out pictures and crap from my iPad. So bye for now.

Update to Role Reversal

I figured I'd do an update to my last post before I move on to anything else, since this was big and it's been a few days. But I called my Dad on Monday. I was a little surprised when he said that he was at work since, I figured after his "breakdown" over the weekend, that he'd need some time off work. But he called back that night and gave me his whole side of what happened. I didn't have to say much since he pretty much took every word I was going to say to him (see my previous post) right out of my mouth. All I really had to do was listen and gave him some encouragement. I definitely think some things were blown way out of proportion and I had a breakdown and lost sleep over it for... I don't want to say nothing... But I didn't need to be as freaked out as I was made to be. He admitted so many things to me without me having to push and without either of us breaking down crying. He didn't have an actual "breakdown" this weekend, and some things could have been avoided if the situation was handled with more understanding. He's more than willing to go to therapy and understands that there are a lot of underlying issues that need to be worked out and addressed and that in itself will hopefully lessen the problem-drinking.

I know this was a quick update, but there's another post I want to make before bed. Just wanted to update for anyone following along. On to the next...

Role Reversal

I really want to to talk to him without breaking down, but I know I'm not stable enough too. I know he isn't technically alone but with the things he's experiencing he is. I'm going through the same thing, how do I talk to him about it without hurting him. And what if something I did or said was a trigger. I need to organize my thoughts s o I can talk to him in the morning and hopefully show him that he isn't alone with what he is going through. My sister was yelling at him, he needs someone who can relate and not stigmatize him for a manic episode. They can't see passed the drinking to the underlying causality. But he's always been my mentor and confidant I'm not sure I can take the other role, I just wan't to have my dad for a lot longer. Every time I start to think about approaching the conversation I start to break down and have difficulty forming cogent thoughts. I love my family but they aren't equipped to handle this. Even the ER doctor didn't know what to do. I just wan't to be able to help. I don't even know where to begin. Ive never really seen him in a vulnerable position like this.

R wrote the above paragraph to get me started with the whole thinking process of getting any kind of expression out of my head about the situation going on right now. To clarify, my sister called me today saying that my Dad flipped. He's been binge drinking, doing drugs, stealing from family, lying, etc. She drove up to MA on from PA on Friday after a family member told her what's been going on. I guess they did an intervention type thing and was trying to make him go into a detox center for his drinking, then bringing him to the ER, him refusing to check in, and all this other stuff. I feel for him. It's all too fucking familiar on my end. He sounds exactly like me. I don't want to say that he is having some kind of Bipolar episode since he isn't diagnosed Bipolar and I'm not a professional, but it sounds exactly like how I am during mania or a mixed episode. I know everyone is trying to help him, but a detox probably isn't the best thing. It's getting to the root of the problem. I think the drinking is just a symptom. He needs to talk to a mental health professional and see where to go from there.

He also needs me. I was supposed to call him today to get him to open up to me and have some "there" for him that not only understands all that is going on in his head, but is going through it as well. With him. I couldn't call. I feel like such a fucking useless cocksucker for not god damn being there for him today and him having to spend another night alone, not understanding why what he's doing is not okay and feeling alone and embarrassed. This is how I felt so many times during similar situations and mental states. I just don't know how to approach it from the other end without completely breaking down - which I kind of already am. I've been so selfish and crying about my own mental health and leaving the person who, as a kid, I considered to be Superman, to suffer. I know I'm calling him as soon as I wake up in the morning, if I can sleep. I know I'm not going to forget about him and go on my merry way. I also know that it's going to be just as hard talking to him in the morning, as it would have today. I know, most of all, that it's going to be even harder for him. But he needs someone that can relate to him and that he can feel like he can be honest with. And I hope that person is me. I am going to break down on the phone. It's in my nature. But I really want him to see, feel, and hear that I don't want to fucking lose my Dad. I can't answer a phone call telling me that my Daddy couldn't handle it anymore and either drank himself to death or took his own life. I've been thinking about that WAY too much tonight and even the hypothetical thought is making me want to throw up. I love him too much to let that happen.

So here is the plan I have come with while writing this, talking through it with R, and remembering my sister and family who are there with him (physically) in this:

I'm going to start by asking, from his perspective, what the situation is. I'm then going to explain to him that there are underlying issues that need to be addressed and that he's not alone. His daughter has gone through and is going through all of these things and that I am here with understanding and no judgement. I'm then going to tell him in all the ways that I have gone through this and how I felt, what goes on in my head, my mental sufferings, and how I am getting through this all. Then comes the part where I will probably breakdown the hardest, by telling him how much he means to me and our family and we are all doing this because we fucking love him so much. That Steph and I want our dad to be around and healthy for many more years. We just want to see him happy and not be suffering when something can be done about it, and we are all here to support him through the process. I'm then going agree that he has a drinking problem, but that the first step is to get professional mental help. This way any underlying issues can be addressed and therefore, get a better feel at what kind of treatment would be best for him. He NEEDS to get a mental health assessment. I'm going to stress and really try to get it through that there is no need to feel alone or embarrassed, there are so many options for him to get better, and that there are so many people here to support him and root him on. If he's feeling overwhelmed, I'm only a phone call away to have someone listen and understand. Don't be embarrassed for having to go to the ER or check himself in to inpatient treatment for extra support. No one can do this on their own. And a major thing that he needs to hear from me: he's ALWAYS -no matter what- ALWAYS my SuperDad. While some may get angry or frustrated, I am in this with him with unconditional love and patience, since that is all he has ever given me. He DESERVES to be healthy and to know how to take back control of his life.

It's going to be an overwhelming talk, and a scary confusing road ahead for him, but I believe in my dad. I believe in myself. I may be in Texas, but we will get through this together. Because he's fucking Superman!

Actual first post and current rants and raves

I've really been enjoying setting this blog up! I figured that while I'm pretty exhausted, but not wanting to go to bed just yet, and while R (my husband for those that don't know me personally) is glued to his video game, that it would be a great time to make my first real introductory post and get a few things out of my head. I swear, staying up pretty much all night playing around with this (and a good portion of this afternoon as well) on top of not sleeping well the past few days is catching up to me, and my head is filled with all kinds of nonsense. So this should be fun, LOL!

As you can read from my About Me, and everywhere else on my blog, my name is Jax. I'm 24 years old and, at the moment, an Army wife, but definitely not a traditional one at that. I am a homemaker with mental illness (Bipolar Disorder, Panic Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and some form of PTSD), and R is a soon to be medically discharged veteran with chronic back and neck issues. I've never really felt like what an Army wife is "supposed" to be, and never really fit into the lifestyle. So when I say that I'm an "Army wife," I mean to say, my husband works for the military, and I'm here to support him in any way I'm able to given our situations. Otherwise, we're originally from Massachusetts and have been in Texas for almost 4 years now. Married for 4 years and been together for 7 1/2. My views are definitely unlike the views of many people around me. Not only within the military community, but in everyday America as well. I don't have the brain power or patience to blog about all that tonight, but I am what one would call a Socialist, Commi, Obama loving, religion hating, Liberal (although I'd like to think my views and opinions are much more complex than such). I don't have many friends (did at one point), and currently the person I see and communicate with most often, other than R, is our roommate Cev, whom used to be my wise, all knowing, hilarious sidekick, that I am now annoyed with more often than not. I do still love him like a brother. I just wish we didn't live together, most days.

But that is pretty much my life that I can come up with having such a short attention span tonight. I will be blogging about much of these things, along with a good amount of not rant-like subjects such as our many adventures (concerts, nightlife, travel, etc) and all my crazy, both awesome and frustrating, that goes along with it all. I love sharing health, household, and general life tips, so please feel free to participate here with me. After this post, I will have a mouth of a sailor and will probably share some awesome TMI (hence the Adult Content warning). So you have been warned now. And this is my major outlet, other than R and my shrink, so if I offend anyone or hurt anyone's feelings, I'm most likely not going to care too much. Unless I'm in a depressive swing, and then I'll probably cry and blog about my feelers hurting, and no one wants to hear that vicious cycle. So, enjoy my postings and keep checking back for more interesting content and updates to make this more Jax-like. And if you have any suggestions or tips for me, please let me know! I'm super new to this and can use all the help I can get, obviously.

Good night!

First post

So this is my first post. Go me! I'm still working on getting this blog to be exactly how I want, which may mean using the desktop after I get some sleep instead of my iPad. Bear with me while I get it all set up! But I'm super excited to finally start a blog and have an outlet for all my mental ramblings and random thoughts and ideas. Tomorrow (uh, today) will be filled with bloggy awesomeness.

Until then, good night land of fun and amusement!