So it was a really weird weekend. I'll get more into detail in a few, but just an overview in case I forget a few things throughout writing this. And while R is randomly being a complete dickhole to me when he was JUST being super sweet and nice all fucking night. Whatever. Fuck him. But Saturday was a huge manic storm which was then majorly brought down by a bunch of bullshit that through me into a psycho depressive, sometimes manic breakdown throughout the night Saturday and all of Sunday. Today was so much better, except right now I guess. But I must get a snack before I continue.
So I started taking my Neurontin on Saturday, which I really didn't want to, but it was prescribed so I figured I'd give it a try. The first thing that happened was that it made me super manic, yet kind of relaxed. I was a sex crazed maniac! R and I were literally in the bedroom pretty much having sex all day. Didn't eat or anything. Between having sex, I couldn't stop talking or writing. And just SEX SEX SEX! By my second dose, I came down and Ry started talking about my last full manic episode (from around January to around June 2011). During that time, I had an affair with this asshole that was supposed to be our friend. I've had so much guilt from this although all those months are so fuzzy due to the mania and binge drinking. I lost most of my friendships here, and almost lost my marriage. Of course I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for everything I did. Everyone says its not my fault, since it wasn't me, and that others should have been my friends a knew when something was wrong with me instead of letting me have this affair. Honestly, I just want to forget whatever happened and never look back, but for some reason that night, R couldn't take "I don't want to know what happened and just want to move on" for an answer and kept obsessing over it. It through me into a breakdown. It may not be the "normal" way to move on, but not knowing is the route I've chosen for the past 6 months, and that's what I'm fucking sticking to. If he wants to know, he can. Just leave me out of it. I cried until I fell asleep at about 5 or 6 am.
Sunday came, and took the Neurontin again. My breakdown was still in full force. All I could do was cry. I slept most of the day. I woke up to eat and try to function at one point. That's when I went emotionally numb. I felt so trapped and scared. I didn't feel like me. I didn't feel like anyone. That can't fucking happen. Neurontin is officially off my list of meds to take. No fucking way in hell am I putting myself through that again. I don't care if a medication stops some kind of Bipolar fuck up or curbs my anxiety. As soon as I feel numb and not myself, I'm done with it. I went to bed early and told myself that tomorrow was going to be another day.
And it sure was! Today was so much better, other than feeling sick and puking most of the day. I feel somewhat like myself again. Being on just the Risperdal and Ativan seem to be doing the "right" thing at the moment. Of course, I'd rather not be on meds at all other than for the anxiety, but I also don't want the potential for another affair or something stupid that might get me, or someone else seriously hurt. For now, I'm going to continue working on forgiving myself for my literal fuck ups and continue to learn how to function in the real world again. It would be nice to make some friends again. Its just so hard to learn to trust again, especially with guy friends. I really miss guy friends that don't take advantage of me when I'm obviously sick. Because that's just fucked up.
I think I'm done for the night. Need to start getting ready for bed and try to get onto a regular sleep scheduele. And dream about having control and my old self back....
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