Role Reversal

I really want to to talk to him without breaking down, but I know I'm not stable enough too. I know he isn't technically alone but with the things he's experiencing he is. I'm going through the same thing, how do I talk to him about it without hurting him. And what if something I did or said was a trigger. I need to organize my thoughts s o I can talk to him in the morning and hopefully show him that he isn't alone with what he is going through. My sister was yelling at him, he needs someone who can relate and not stigmatize him for a manic episode. They can't see passed the drinking to the underlying causality. But he's always been my mentor and confidant I'm not sure I can take the other role, I just wan't to have my dad for a lot longer. Every time I start to think about approaching the conversation I start to break down and have difficulty forming cogent thoughts. I love my family but they aren't equipped to handle this. Even the ER doctor didn't know what to do. I just wan't to be able to help. I don't even know where to begin. Ive never really seen him in a vulnerable position like this.

R wrote the above paragraph to get me started with the whole thinking process of getting any kind of expression out of my head about the situation going on right now. To clarify, my sister called me today saying that my Dad flipped. He's been binge drinking, doing drugs, stealing from family, lying, etc. She drove up to MA on from PA on Friday after a family member told her what's been going on. I guess they did an intervention type thing and was trying to make him go into a detox center for his drinking, then bringing him to the ER, him refusing to check in, and all this other stuff. I feel for him. It's all too fucking familiar on my end. He sounds exactly like me. I don't want to say that he is having some kind of Bipolar episode since he isn't diagnosed Bipolar and I'm not a professional, but it sounds exactly like how I am during mania or a mixed episode. I know everyone is trying to help him, but a detox probably isn't the best thing. It's getting to the root of the problem. I think the drinking is just a symptom. He needs to talk to a mental health professional and see where to go from there.

He also needs me. I was supposed to call him today to get him to open up to me and have some "there" for him that not only understands all that is going on in his head, but is going through it as well. With him. I couldn't call. I feel like such a fucking useless cocksucker for not god damn being there for him today and him having to spend another night alone, not understanding why what he's doing is not okay and feeling alone and embarrassed. This is how I felt so many times during similar situations and mental states. I just don't know how to approach it from the other end without completely breaking down - which I kind of already am. I've been so selfish and crying about my own mental health and leaving the person who, as a kid, I considered to be Superman, to suffer. I know I'm calling him as soon as I wake up in the morning, if I can sleep. I know I'm not going to forget about him and go on my merry way. I also know that it's going to be just as hard talking to him in the morning, as it would have today. I know, most of all, that it's going to be even harder for him. But he needs someone that can relate to him and that he can feel like he can be honest with. And I hope that person is me. I am going to break down on the phone. It's in my nature. But I really want him to see, feel, and hear that I don't want to fucking lose my Dad. I can't answer a phone call telling me that my Daddy couldn't handle it anymore and either drank himself to death or took his own life. I've been thinking about that WAY too much tonight and even the hypothetical thought is making me want to throw up. I love him too much to let that happen.

So here is the plan I have come with while writing this, talking through it with R, and remembering my sister and family who are there with him (physically) in this:

I'm going to start by asking, from his perspective, what the situation is. I'm then going to explain to him that there are underlying issues that need to be addressed and that he's not alone. His daughter has gone through and is going through all of these things and that I am here with understanding and no judgement. I'm then going to tell him in all the ways that I have gone through this and how I felt, what goes on in my head, my mental sufferings, and how I am getting through this all. Then comes the part where I will probably breakdown the hardest, by telling him how much he means to me and our family and we are all doing this because we fucking love him so much. That Steph and I want our dad to be around and healthy for many more years. We just want to see him happy and not be suffering when something can be done about it, and we are all here to support him through the process. I'm then going agree that he has a drinking problem, but that the first step is to get professional mental help. This way any underlying issues can be addressed and therefore, get a better feel at what kind of treatment would be best for him. He NEEDS to get a mental health assessment. I'm going to stress and really try to get it through that there is no need to feel alone or embarrassed, there are so many options for him to get better, and that there are so many people here to support him and root him on. If he's feeling overwhelmed, I'm only a phone call away to have someone listen and understand. Don't be embarrassed for having to go to the ER or check himself in to inpatient treatment for extra support. No one can do this on their own. And a major thing that he needs to hear from me: he's ALWAYS -no matter what- ALWAYS my SuperDad. While some may get angry or frustrated, I am in this with him with unconditional love and patience, since that is all he has ever given me. He DESERVES to be healthy and to know how to take back control of his life.

It's going to be an overwhelming talk, and a scary confusing road ahead for him, but I believe in my dad. I believe in myself. I may be in Texas, but we will get through this together. Because he's fucking Superman!