It's been a long time, for all my followers out there. That's okay. You guys are awesome to stick around and hopefully, one day, this might actually be successful. LOLZ! But anyway, I've been feeling a strong need to start blogging again. My brain has been an overall scary place lately and as much as I don't like it, this is me and the only things that have been of any use to me is to talk about it and keep moving forward. Forward is the only way to go. Whether I have setbacks, amazing strides, or stay the same - it's always forward. I've made a change to the description of this blog because there has been many changes in my life since my last post and it was deemed necessary.
So, about these changes. There have been too many of them to post this late at night/early in the morning, so they will be centered around me directly, which is where this blog is going to go from here on out anyways. My life, my mental health. Selfish or not, I really don't give a fuck. So anyways, R is finally out of the military. I say finally because I wanted it for so long, but it seems to now be backfiring. But that will be another post. We got the FUCK OUT of Texas and the shithole called Fort Hood. We've been living in northeastern Massachusetts, where my heart has always told me to go, since September. I stupidly thought that as soon as we found a place and got back into the real world, a switch would turn on in my brain and I'd magically be "normal" again. Normal. Bipolar Disorder is my normal now. There is no magic switch. I was genuinely happy for about 2 or 3 weeks here. Back in school, amazing apartment, in the Northeast, job hunting, and so many amazing things. Then everything just turned to suck. At one point, I actually tried to kill myself by ODing on Klonopin, Tramadol, and alcohol. I don't remember any of this, which will be talked about more later. My brain is just one big mess that R and I have been working deeply on for the past 2 weeks, and working on our relationship as well, which does tie together considering my Bipolar Disorder and Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia is a major stressor in our marriage. My moods have changed so many times, it's difficult to count. But for now, I'll move onto the present. Today, the past week, and the coming future.
I'm going to try to make this quick because it's almost 5am, I need to be up at 7am, and I need to try to give my husband a blowjob since he's made me cum like 4 times in the past 24 hours and he's been waiting for me to finish with this. I think I've been having a mixed episode which is scaring me a bit. I know R will take care of me and make sure nothing bad happens, but at the same time, I'm still scared of myself. I need to do more research since it could be more rapid cycling rather than mixed, but that doesn't make it any better. I'll have a few days of mania, a few days of depression, sometimes switching between the two multiple times a day, with apathy and emptiness filling in the gaps. We've made huge strides in understanding my brain recently and I think will be over all do wonders for my panic, but my brain might also be on overload. But I want to know MORE. I want to dig deeper into this huge world of disturbed and illogical thought and poke at it. POKE POKE POKE! The great thing is that I actually have a sex drive again. Except after times of mental stress such as writing this fucking blog and now I'm upset, R is pushed a side due to my mania, unintentional fighting, and no sleep. It's going to a a fun day filled with all kinds of shit I need to get done on no sleep for the 4th or 5th time in the past 2 weeks or so. I'll push through and get it done, since that's my new thing unless I really don't feel right at all.
But back to my mania. Can't stop now since I need to be awake and going in an hour and half and if I slow down now, I may have trouble getting out of my head space and into the world. The world. The human race. The things that make me want to stay in my head and never leave. It's better than the scum that surrounds my bubble.
